TOO normal sometimes

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Every now and then it's apparent that we aren't quite back to normal. I need someone to screen Grey's Anatomy for trauma/ER content. I can deal with cancer, freakish rare medical problems, most surgeries, and all the associated drama, but trauma is too close to home. I watched Thursday's episode online last night, and it was VERY hard to watch. Times like that, I feel like I can never be the same as I was because of what we've been through.

These moments are even harder to deal with is because Tom's quick recovery has made it pretty easy to pretend that nothing has happened. Even though things are going great, our lives can never be the same again. It can be alarming to remember that we've been through something terrible, and to have to confront the accompanying emotions again. Then to have to feel guilty because I'm upset even though things are going great, and the constant questioning, even now that he's awake and coherent, of the decisions I've made along the way. The absolute worst is realizing that it may be far more important to me that he's alive than it is to him. On the flip side, I guess it's a lot easier for me to selfishly ask him to go through stuff that sucks just because I don't want to deal with life without him than it is for him to think about fighting for life.

I think maybe it's like that for most couples, though. Would you rather die than lose your spouse? Is it harder to watch your spouse go through something than it is for your spouse to go through it? I do NOT know the answers to those questions. I guess it all depends on personalities and relationships, and the nature of the injury. I know when we talk about life support, etc, I have made it clear that I WANT TO LIVE. Hook me up and keep me going if there is a halfway decent chance that I'll live. Talking about living wills, Tom is a bit more hesitant to want to be kept alive. (Hearing that can be real hard to swallow when 6 weeks' worth of your emotional energy has been devoted to hoping he'll live, being happy he's alive, and being sad to think about how close he was to dying.) I think I may be in the minority though - it seems to me a lot of people say they don't want to be resusitated or kept alive artificially. I want every chance I can get...our tax payer dollars haven't been funding medical research for so many years just so I can be cavalier and say, "Do not resucitate! Let me die naturally!" But I am sure my opinion will change the older I get. And yes, Tom is 9 years older than me, but I think when I'm 33, I'll still want to be kept alive. I don't think it will change for me until I'm nearing the natural end of my life.

Oh, the things I never wanted to have deep thoughts about...I highly recommend getting your death paperwork in order, if you haven't, even if you're newly married and have no kids. Living wills, regular wills, and details about funerals. We'll need to do this once Tom's recovered a bit more.


ColtonandJessica said...

colton and I have had this very same convo. He doesn't want to be kept alive, and I am on the exact same page you are. I told him you never know what materials will become available & i would feel terrible if I took him off and then 7 months later some new thing came out and people were living.
*sigh* hopefully we won't have to worry about all that though.

Adam Hensen said...

Its a lot for a 24/25 year old to deal with, I think it is a bit easier to go through when your 75 or 80 and closer to the end of your natural life. Going through tramua can have an affect on your psyche for ever, wheather or not you had physical tramua (like tom), or the emotional trauma (like you). It is interesting to think about how each victim will compensate for that trauma over time. I am with you though, KEEP ME ALIVE NO MATER WHAT!!! It even upsets me to hear my wife dose not want to be kept alive artificially. Its almost like you feel "why would you give up so quickly when I want you to stay around for ever". My wife says that is a selfish reaction, but when it comes to keeping your spouse alive, I think being selfish is OKAY!

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