A blog about everything you aren't supposed to talk about

Monday, August 2, 2010

Long time no post! Things are good. Summer is HOT. I could regale you with 100s of vacation pictures, but maybe another time.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how little I feel about stuff. I rarely get worked up, I have the patience of Job, and I can rationalize away almost anything that would have made a normal person angry. I haven't decided if this is a positive or negative personality trait, but as with everything, I'm sure it's both.

One thing I miss about being a teenager was being able to turn on the radio and feel like every song was about me. It was so cathartic! You know, you could have a break up and rewind Brian Adams' "Please Forgive Me" over and over and still feel each and every word. I miss that. I hear songs on the radio sometimes and think, wow I would've LOVED this song when I was younger. This is a great party song, or a great graduation song, or a great new-love song. I don't know about you, but I find much fewer songs apply to me these days than used to. The nice thing about this is realizing the theme of the songs that DO apply lately. They're the happy songs! So, while I miss how it good it felt to commiserate with every emotional song on the radio, I'm glad that my life is in a stable, happy place where I can't relate with most music anymore.

But I find with most aspects of life, I'm neutral. This realization that I don't feel songs like I used to made me think about how I don't feel a heck of a whole of anything, at least compared to other people I know. It's not that I don't feel anything, but I just choose not to care or get worked up over stuff unless it's important to me. I see the Democrats' point of view as well as the Republicans'. I can't despise anyone for holding a particular set of beliefs (not just political). If I despise someone who is very liberal, doesn't that mean I align myself with conservatives? I don't know enough to know what's right, and frankly, that makes the people who act like this stuff is a no-brainer sort of scary. It's like Twilight. I like the books and movies. (Just a fair disclaimer). But I always joke that the only thing scarier than Twilight fans are the people who so vehemently HATE Twilight. I mean, talk about hating something just for the sake of hating it, with no real reason. But people are like that. They don't like something, so they hate it. Me? I only get worked up about things I truly care about, and I only argue if I feel confident that I'm right, which is probably less than 1% of the time. I just soak up everyone's viewpoints until I feel like I have enough information to form my own opinion.

One area in which my "neutrality" has been a big concern for me in the past few years is faith and spirituality. I can live without having strong beliefs in the area of politics, but what kind of person is just like, "eh" with regard to their faith?? I'm not at all OK with this. The problem is, I have yet to perfectly reconcile the things I believe with a church. Several things have had this on the forefront of my mind lately, but I'll focus on Anne Rice's recent denunciation of Christianity. Now, when I read the headline "Anne Rice Leaves Christianity", I thought "what is that crazy lady up to now??" I definitely identify as a Christian, and I know next to nothing about Anne Rice. When I read that headline, I thought, "Oh great, more fuel for non-believers..." Because some non-believers hate Christianity just as fiercely as some non-Twilight fans hate Twilight. Why does it even matter to them? I don't hate non-believers, and I can understand all different viewpoints. Except for the viewpoint that says it's OK to spout venom with your words. There is no need for that no matter who you are. Keep your hate to yourself.

Anyway, so I clicked on the article just like I do every other ridiculous thing in CNN's entertainment section (yes, today I learned that James van der Beek got married, and I realized how enormous his forehead is!), and much to my surprise, I pretty much share her beliefs. Here is part of what she said, although being a neutral sort, I would never be so absolute.

"As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I'm out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen."

So, on the surface she probably sounds like a maniac to a lot of people, but she expresses the stuff I have had the most difficulty with. I have visited a few churches in the last year, and my grandma says I'm being too picky, but I haven't gotten the "love everyone" vibe I'm seeking in a fellowship. It makes me wonder if I'm just too neutral to go to church. I love everyone, and I have loads of tolerance. I've heard tolerance referred to as fear of standing up for Jesus. To me, it's a special thing to be able to see people wholly and love them no matter what. Not everyone can do that (or maybe they just choose not to.) I want to be part of a group that is concerned with loving and serving others.

This is why my grandma (someone I consider a spiritual model) says I'm being too picky. I didn't go back to one church because he made fun of skinny, pale vegetarians. I get it, it was meant to be a joke. And I'm sure it was funny. But all I could think was, I love vegetarians! LOL I wish I could BE a vegetarian! And something about his remarks rubbed me the wrong way, and I didn't go back. Like, in my last church (which is really far from my house), my friends introduced me to hummus. In this church, they probably make fun of people who eat hummus! This sounds really ridiculous, I know, but I did not get the impression that this was a church full of diversity loving open minds. LOL Now, I can't really blame anyone but myself for my absence from church because the last place I visited was perfectly fine, and its lobby practically screamed "opportunities for service!" I have been lazy about going back... But, that's not the point of this post.

Now read this. These posts are from Anne Rice's Facebook page, by the way.

"My faith in Christ is central to my life. My conversion from a pessimistic atheist lost in a world I didn't understand, to an optimistic believer in a universe created and sustained by a loving God is crucial to me. But following Christ does not mean following His followers. Christ is infinitely more important than Christianity and always will be, no matter what Christianity is, has been, or might become."

Are you talking to ME!? This is exactly how I feel.

I can't be one of these renegade Christians who study and serve alone because the church is so corrupt, though. Because guess what, I love Christians too, and I know there is no perfect church family because there isn't a perfect human being on the face of the planet.

Don't worry, this isn't going to be a post about the accident. But these are the parts of my faith that I feel confident in. I believe Tom nearly died last year and the fact that he recovered fully with no "hitches in his giddy-up" can be attributed in some part to prayer and divine intervention. I believe someone hears me when I pray, and I remember when it used to be a two-way conversation. I know that in my darkest hours, I desperately want to have that spiritual connection I used to have much more strongly.

But, when my Hindu friend tells me she pulls out an idol and prays before she drives (clarifying that she doesn't believe the idol is God, just a token), I don't see the difference between that faith and my own. I think that will always be my biggest struggle as a believer. And it's certainly not something I can work out in a blog post!

I'm not sure where my place is as a "neutral" Christian, but that shouldn't stop me from trying to find it. I think I will come to understand my spirituality more readily than my political beliefs...LOL.

Politics...check! Religion...check! Sex...oh, that's lacking. Sex sex sex sex sex. Now everyone can be fully uncomfortable since I have covered all the non-socially-acceptable topics of discussion. :-) Have a great week, friends.


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